FEATURES; Are Dating Sites Fuelling Adultery?

More marriages are crashing over what experts partly blame on technology through the proliferation of dating sites, writes Ebere Nwiro

Last year, the Kano State Governor, Rabiu Musa Kwankwaso organised a mass wedding in the state.  He said he wanted to checkmate the rising incidence of failed marriages in Kano that was giving his administration sleepless nights, saying he felt it was time to arrest the situation.

With a project tagged the Zawarawa Mass Marriage programme, Kwankwaso seeks to take widows, divorcees and even young girls off the streets of Kano with a law to check the rising incidence of divorce and separations.

“We are aware that most of the divorces were caused by poverty and to stop that, we employed thousands of jobless Kano indigenes, provided 1,000 Gulf 3 cars for commercial drivers and 500 buses, on a soft loan basis,” he said.

But poverty might not just be the singular reason for failed marriages as Governor Kwankwaso believes. Studies and investigations have shown that these days, more failed and unsuccessful marriages are on the rise and one cause is the proliferation of dating sites that now promote infidelity in marriages.

The increasing rate of failed marriages has been linked to the rising influence of the social media, smart phones and protected dating sites that now offer secrecy and encourages young women especially, to pursue a relationship with someone, or even fall in love, with people already in a marital union.

Statistics show that about 20 per cent of Nigerian households have internet access, making millions of dating sites sexually explicit sites, chat rooms, bulletin boards and interactive games completely available to anyone who cares to visit them.

An estimated 20 to 33 per cent of internet users go online for sexual gratification; most are male, of about 35 years old, married with children, and are well educated. Reports recorded as many as 17 per cent of these users become addicted to online sexual activity.

Ever since the internet has become a regular part of the human experience, cyberspace has been implicated as an accomplice in online affairs, real life adultery, and the break-up of marriages.

Online dating or internet dating is a dating system which allows individuals, couples and groups to make contact and communicate with each other over the internet, usually with the objective of developing a personal, romantic or sexual relationship. Online dating services usually provide un-moderated matchmaking over the internet, through the use of personal computers or cell phones.

With every new online fad have come the stories of spouses wandering away from their marriages to a new cyber love on the internet. The media has spotlighted tales and trends of affairs starting through the internet, chat rooms, My Space, Facebook, dating sites and online forums.

In recent years, as internet access grows, it has been estimated that more and more couples are subjected to a variety of problems related to infidelity resulting in failed marriages.

Yemi Adelakun, a psychology student in the Department of Psychology, Lagos State University (LASU), states: “I believe the internet, dating sites and all these social networks have contributed largely to the rise in adultery in our society as it has made infidelity easier than ever before.”

Remilekun Oluwaseun, technology expert adds: “I have a friend whose marriage is on the verge of collapse as a result of his wife’s infidelity with someone she claimed to have met online. I remember how he used to complain about the long hours his wife spent on her Facebook messenger talking to an undisclosed person. This went on for months until one day he showed me a copy of her chats with her so called friends which happened to be amorous conversations with her lover.”

He continues: “I also surf the net and even as a married man, I have lots of young ladies and married young women throwing themselves at me.”

The internet, many argue, has made infidelity much easier as studies have revealed there are numerous sites specifically devoted to helping married couples cheat online. Examples of such sites include Greatlovelookup.com, a discreet dating community for married people and single people that want to meet and date unhappily married people.

Other than the offerings on the internet, common causes of infidelity are many and oftentimes a combination of reasons with each case being unique. In several instances, studies show unrealistic expectations about marriage, inability to cope with cultural or ethnic differences, and family interference, divergent interests and disappointment that one partner hasn’t grown in the same directions, the inability to accommodate a partner’s needs, interests or expectations and getting married early, all contribute to the breakdown of several marriages.

Also, the inability to communicate one’s own interests, needs or desires. Lack of verbal skills or motivation to solve relationship problems, coupled with boredom with the marriage, work, life, jealousy, revenge and uncontrolled lust or addiction to physical gratification or emotional intimacy are other reasons advanced.

Investigations further show that other factors that contribute to the failure of marriages to include lack of communication or poor communication, financial issues and even the circumstances of the marriage. All of these issues can exist in a healthy and enduring marriage but if they are not dealt with properly according to experts, they can lead to the failure of any marriage.

Investigations have also shown that lack of sexual intimacy or contact between partners also leads to infidelity in marriages, just as other factor could also lead to adultery, experts say.

One study shows communication is critical to the success of any marriage, stating that without proper communication, conflict resolution becomes a difficult issue.

Financial concerns also can be a heavy burden to bear and when a couple is struggling to meet their financial obligations, there can be a tremendous amount of pressure in the relationship. This pressure may be enough to destroy an otherwise healthy marriage.

If one of the partners in the marriage becomes obsessed with the finances, they can begin to neglect other aspects of the marriage. This behaviour has the effect of making the spouse feel ignored and lonely which can be damaging to a marriage. Often, one of the partners will become consumed with the financial matters and this can be very damaging to a marriage.

This was the case with Mrs. Stephanie Njoku, a single mother-of-three and a businesswoman who has been fending for herself and her kids ofr the past four years. She told THISDAY one of the main reasons her marriage failed was as a result of her ex-husband’s nonchalant attitude in the affairs of the home. “From my own point of view, it is the husband’s job to provide for his family, and the wife’s role to support him in whichever way she can.

“In my own case, my partner was very nonchalant about providing for his children. I remember then that the basis of our conflict was all about money for what we needed in the house. He always said I was making money, I should do it and he’d pay me back. He was earning a salary but I never understood what he was doing with it. I simply said, since I have been doing it all on mine own, there was no point of him being in the picture,” she said.

Inevitably, human beings will always seek companionship in form or the other. If they find themselves in situations where they are dissatisfied with their partners or spouses, they will seek companionship elsewhere. The evolution of the internet and growing access has offered an opening for people, single and married, looking for love, companionship and those looking for ways to live out their fantasies, an avenue to do so.