FRANK MBA: Spouse Battery (Part 2)-Dealing With the Problem

In case you just stumbled into this article it is sequel to our earlier published article ‘Detecting Signs of Spouse Battery (1). In this edition we shall be talking about steps to salvage the situation and what you must do if the situation is nonredeemable, in other words how to deal with the problem.

Abuse in a relationship or marriage can wreck you. If you are one of those in an offensive relationship there is need to know how to handle it or get out of it. Abuse is not always physical, it could be emotional or verbal. Being abused is simply to destroy your being and make mince meat of your confidence. So, how can you nip this menace in the bud?

1. Recognize Abuse

Some women accept verbal or emotional abuse if it is not accompanied by physical abuse. It is a pattern of behaviour that may include threats of humiliation, isolation, blame, actions to frighten or intimidate, deprivation, lying and even threats of harm. Abuse usually involves the misuse of power in an attempt to dominate and control. You must know when you are being abused by your spouse.

2. Discuss the issue with your partner

Without raising your voice or looking agitated; point out the elements of the relationship which concern you. Choose a time and a place conducive for a calm discussion. Be assertive in stating what you find unacceptable. Do not attempt to have this conversation in the middle of an argument.

3. Talk to a relative, a close friend or your Pastor/Imam

Secrecy is an unhealthy and often integral part of an abusive relationship. Even if your partner has threatened you not to speak out, refuse to be cowed into submission. Share your experience with a trusted friend, close relative or spiritual mentor.

4. You cannot force your partner to change

You can attempt to show your partner how damaging these behaviours are and how they are affecting you, and hope your partner will agree that you are being badly damaged. You can hope your partner will then make the decision to change. However, ultimately, you cannot force change. Remember that you cannot argue logically with an unreasonable person. An obsessive and compulsive abuser will hardly ever change. Where an abuser maintains a repeated, consistent and persistent pattern think seriously of taking a bow.

5. Set boundaries

Abuse, in general, is an issue of disrespect that usually involves trespass upon individual’s equality and freedom due to unclear or poorly-defined boundaries. If you are on the receiving end of abuse, it’s up to you to set up clear, reasonable boundaries for an honourable relationship and to consistently stick to them. Do not tolerate repeated offences longer than necessary.

6. Avoid provocative actions, utterances, and unnecessary argument

If you are working towards redeeming or salvaging your relationship/marriage, avoid actions and utterances that are unduly provocative. Some women are in the habit of disrespecting and verbally abusing their husbands. This is wrong and should be discouraged as it can easily elicit violent reactions from men with poor temperament. According to the Holy Book, “The start of an argument is like the first break in a dam, stop it before it goes any further”.

 7. Source your safety

It’s easy to think that your partner is in charge of your safety depending on his or her behaviour, but this is not true. You are the only one who can create safety for yourself. You do this by making choices. You have an innate instinct within yourself that allows you to make decisions which feel right for you, and which will keep you safe and happy.

While looking forward to the concluding part of this article, I leave you with these  ever green injunction “Wives, submit yourselves unto your husbands as it is fit in the Lord. Husbands love your wives and be not harsh against them”.